Volume 7
Jun 8th, 2008 by micahtillman
WEeding Awards, vol. 7
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Prologue
I’m on the brink of declaring Barack Obama the WEediest writer in history. He always delivers. (Of course, there’s always the question of who actually writes his material. Politicians and their speechwriters . . . .)
With Obama’s nomination victory speech this week, I honor an amazing piece of collectivist WEediness, published, ironically, by one of the biggest libertarian sites known to humanity. If humanity is the kind of thing that can know things. If humanity even exists.
Along with these two, I’ve included links to three other pieces (one by Obama) which received nominations and — I believe — deserved to win. But, unfortunately, I didn’t have the time this week to give all the nominated pieces their just deserts.
36: Nomination Victory Speech, by Barack Obama
37: “Whose Iraq Is It, Anyway?,” by Steve Chapman, Reason
Other Nominees:
“It’s Time to Talk to Syria,” by John Kerry and Chuck Hagel, Wall Street Journal
“The Gas Prices We Deserve,” by George Will, Washington Post
Remarks at AIPAC Policy Conference, by Barack Obama
WEeding Winner 36
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[ A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K ]
Nomination Victory Speech, by Barack Obama
A:
“At this defining moment for our nation, we should be proud that our party put forth one of the most talented, qualified field of individuals ever to run for this office.” -Barack Obama
Comment:
Why exactly is that? If I were a Democrat, what role would I have played in “our party['s] put[ting] forth one of the most talented, qualified field of individuals ever to run for [president]“? Are all Democrats party operatives?
And if the average Democrat didn’t have anything to do with who decided to run for President for their party, why should she feel proud? Can we just pick random things to be proud of now?
I think I’ll be proud of that leaf over there.
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B:
“When we transform our energy policy and lift our children out of poverty, it will be because [Hillary Clinton] worked to help make it happen.” -Barack Obama
Comment:
Not only is every Democrat a party operative, evidently, but every democrat is also working on energy policy. And every Democrat’s children are in poverty. (Which is no wonder. Political parties aren’t businesses. They don’t generate a product they can sell. They survive only on donations. So Democrats must not get paid very much.)
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C:
“You did it because you know in your hearts that at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - we cannot afford to keep doing what we’ve been doing. We owe our children a better future. We owe our country a better future.” -Barack Obama
Comment:
So, what have we learned so far? Barack Obama thinks of his fellow Democrats as party operatives, energy policy wonks, and deadbeat parents. And he thinks his fellow Democrats have finally realized they can’t keep living this way; they “cannot afford to keep doing what [they]‘ve been doing.” They need to stop raising their children in poverty, and stop keeping our country from having a better future.
And even after getting insulted like that, there are Democrats who still want to elect Obama.
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D:
“And it’s not change when [John McCain] promises to continue . . . a policy where all we look for are reasons to stay in Iraq, while we spend billions of dollars a month on a war that isn’t making the American people any safer.” -Barack Obama
Comment:
A startling admission from a person who would be President. He lets other people’s policies determine what he “look[s] for” and how much he “spend[s].” Some would think letting other people run your life like this is a sign of weakness.
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E:
“We must be as careful getting out of Iraq as we were careless getting in - but start leaving we must.” -Barack Obama
Comment:
Where have I heard that one before?
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F:
“It’s time to rebuild our military and give our veterans the care they need and the benefits they deserve when they come home. It’s time to refocus our efforts on al Qaeda’s leadership and Afghanistan, and rally the world against the common threats of the 21st century - terrorism and nuclear weapons; climate change and poverty; genocide and disease. That’s what change is.” -Barack Obama
Comment:
Even if Democrats take Obama’s advice and stop being party operatives, energy policy wonks, and deadbeat parents, will they have time to start being military officials, military health workers, military benefits providers, anti-al-Qaeda military strategists, experts and world leaders on “terrorism and nuclear weapons; climate change and poverty; genocide and disease”?
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G:
“We must once again have the courage and conviction to lead the free world.” -Barack Obama
Comment:
Evidently Democrats have been both afraid and wishy-washy on this point.
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H:
“Maybe if [John McCain] went to Iowa and met the student who works the night shift after a full day of class and still can’t pay the medical bills for a sister who’s ill, he’d understand that she can’t afford four more years of a health care plan that only takes care of the healthy and wealthy. She needs us to pass health care plan that guarantees insurance to every American who wants it and brings down premiums for every family who needs it. That’s the change we need.” -Barack Obama
Comment:
And not only is every Democrat a party operative, but every Democrat is a member of Congress, and can “pass an energy policy . . . .”
And if “the change we need” is for all Democrats to join Congress, we’re going to have to wait a while. Some Constitutional amendments will be required.
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I:
“Maybe if he went to Pennsylvania and met the man who lost his job but can’t even afford the gas to drive around and look for a new one, he’d understand that we can’t afford four more years of our addiction to oil from dictators. That man needs us to pass an energy policy that works with automakers to raise fuel standards, and makes corporations pay for their pollution, and oil companies invest their record profits in a clean energy future - an energy policy that will create millions of new jobs that pay well and can’t be outsourced. That’s the change we need.” -Barack Obama
Comment:
Isn’t one of the first rules of public speaking to know your audience? Does Obama realize he’s not speaking to Congress?
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J:
“And maybe if [McCain] spent some time in the schools of South Carolina or St. Paul or where he spoke tonight in New Orleans, he’d understand that we can’t afford to leave the money behind for No Child Left Behind; that we owe it to our children to invest in early childhood education; to recruit an army of new teachers and give them better pay and more support; to finally decide that in this global economy, the chance to get a college education should not be a privilege for the wealthy few, but the birthright of every American. That’s the change we need in America. That’s why I’m running for President.” -Roy Spencer
Comment:
More insults directed at his fellow Democrats:
They’re refusing to fund No Child Left Behind (a bill written by Ted Kennedy, one of their own, right?).
They aren’t “invest[ing] in early childhood education.
They aren’t paying their teachers what they deserve.
They aren’t funding everyone’s college education.
Now I know why I’m not a Democrat. I’m glad Obama warned me away.
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K:
“Because if we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth. This was the moment - this was the time - when we came together to remake this great nation so that it may always reflect our very best selves, and our highest ideals.” -Barack Obama
Comment:
Democrats, says Obama, don’t “care for the sick,” they refuse to give “good jobs to the jobless.” They’ve been holding out on lowering the oceans and healing the planet. They’ve neglected to stop the Iraq war, to secure the country, to fix “our image.”
After the laundry-list of failures which Obama attributes to himself and his audience, I wonder what the “very best selves, and . . . highest ideals” he’s referring to are. Evidently, Obama thinks that Democrats are a pretty sad lot.
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Judgment:
And I thought Rush Limbaugh was the one who didn’t like Democrats. His moral cowardice on full display, Obama delivers yet another speech full of WEeds. (”What’s wrong with weeds?“)
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WEeding Winner 37
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[ A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O ]
“Whose Iraq Is It, Anyway?,” by Steve Chapman, Reason
Reasons for Winning:
A:
“They see the United States as the savior of the ordinary Iraqis who survived Saddam Hussein only to be victimized by violent extremists. We certainly have made some sacrifices on their behalf, including more than 4,000 troops killed in the war and hundreds of billions of dollars spent on it.” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
Which sacrifices have “we” made again? In what way were the death’s of 4,000 troops our sacrifices? And our taxes haven’t gone up, so how are the “hundreds of billions of dollars spent on” the Iraq war our sacrifices?
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B:
“In light of the improvement in security over the last year, you would expect most Iraqis to have a new appreciation for our efforts.” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
Only if you think Iraqis are collectivists. Neither Mr. Chapman nor you nor I have made any “efforts” in Iraq, so we shouldn’t expect them “to have a new appreciation” for said non-existent efforts.
[Post More Comments] [ A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O ]
C:
“Americans spend a lot of time debating the question of whether we should remain in Iraq.” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
Ah, so Mr. Chapman does think the Iraqis are collectivists.
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D:
“What never seems to occur to us is to ask the Iraqis the same question.” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
This question has never ocured to Mr. Chapman, and yet he writes about it not occurring to him?
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E:
“We ought to endorse that approach, asking the government to let Iraqis vote on whether we should stay or go.” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
How can we ask our government to ask their government whether “we should stay or go,” when we aren’t there?
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F:
“The U.S. went into Iraq five years ago to liberate the country from a tyrant.” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
Ah, America. That mythic beast. How exactly did “it” go into Iraq?
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G:
“We have made war on al-Qaida in Iraq, whose tactics managed to alienate even their Sunni allies.” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
Mr. Chapman is evidently one of those pundits who’s also in the armed forces. Writing and making war at the same time. Perhaps he can tell us whether the pin really is mightier than the sword, since he works with both.
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H:
“Lately, we’ve also established comparative tranquility.” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
We have? Thank goodness! I was under the impression that we had been surfing the internet, reading articles, writing blog posts, going to work, sleeping, etc.
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I:
“If there was ever a time when Iraqis could calmly and peacefully weigh in on our presence, it’s now.” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
So, Mr. Chapman thinks Iraqis should decide whether he’s allowed to remain present wherever he happens to be at the moment. And whether you’re allowed to remain wherever you are at the moment.
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J:
“Every major group has obvious grounds to want us around. We facilitated elections that let the Shiites gain dominance, allowed the Kurds to maintain their autonomy in northern Iraq, and brought Sunni militias over to our side. In short, we’ve done something for everyone.” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
And it just keeps going . . . . This kind of collectivist thinking is not something you expect in a libertarian publication like Reason.
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K:
“Yet all indications are that Iraqis can unite behind only one proposition: Yankee, go home! If that’s the case—or even if it’s not—how can we justify not letting them express their preference?” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
Here Mr. Chapman accuses himself of trying to “justify not letting [the Iraqis] express their preference.”
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L:
“How can we say that the people we have tried to bless with democracy should be denied a democratic means of resolving the issue?” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
I don’t know, Mr. Chapman. How can you say that to them after you’ve “tried to bless [them] with democracy”?
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M:
“And why on earth should we mind?” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
Who’s minding? Mr. Chapman isn’t. Why’d he put it in the first person then?
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N:
“The first is that Iraqis would make it clear they don’t want us around anymore and are ready to take over full responsibility for their own affairs. In that case, we can hit the exits with a clear conscience.” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
It would be nice to leave Iraq. Especially for those of us who aren’t ther. . . . Wait a minute!
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O:
“The second is that they would have a sudden change of heart, realize they can’t manage without us and ask us to stay.” -Steve Chapman
Comment:
It is nice to know Mr. Chapman doesn’t want to overstay his welcome. Very conscientious.
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Judgment:
A fascinating study in WEedy confusion. (”What’s wrong with weeds?“)
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Call for Nominations
Have you encountered any texts online (posts, articles, comments, speeches, websites, etc.) which need WEeding? I welcome nominations for future WEeding Awards, so keep your eye out while you’re surfing! Just use the Contact page, and send me the URL.
Thanks!
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